It's been one of those days again. I've felt useless, ugly and stupid, again. I was fine for most of the day, but then, all of a sudden, BAM! I was hit by a mack truck. I suddenly had this very strong urge to just burst into tears. I didn't really know why. It didn't really have a reason. I've been chatting with a friend who's been having some problems, so maybe I opened myself up too much again. I have a tendency of doing that. Whatever it was, it made all my insecurities surge to the surface, nearly overwhelming me. I fought through it, but I still don't feel right. I still feel a little weepy.
I'm the kind of person that has a hard time reaching out to people, and talking about how I feel. Makes me feel like an idiot sometimes, even though I shouldn't. Writing helps though. So here I am, typing this out. This isn't what I had planned on writing for my next blog, but there it is. Read it if you dare. ;)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The truth behind MegaDee.
I kinda have this reputation with the guys I game with of being a hardass, evil person, but not in a bad way. Kinda like Megatron from Transformers. So, they've nicknamed me MegaDee.
Being the token female in a group full of guys, you tend to get overlooked. A lot. No one really heard me, and they never really considered any of my ideas. It was like I wasn't really there, not to them. After awhile, it got really old, and I got tired of it. So, I finally started speaking up. Loudly. I became more assertive with them. Then they finally started listening to me.
It wasn't until after a Transformers game that I got the nickname MegaDee. I was a playing a very aggressive, gun happy character, which is sort of out of character for me. I pretty much shot first, and asked questions later. I was having fun, but was also making one of the in-game characters nervous and scared of mine. He compared my character to Megatron, and hence started calling me MegaDee. And the nickname stuck.
But that's not really the whole of who I am. I can get angry, yes, but not all the time. I had to bring that aspect of me to the forefront to be heard. In reality, I'm quite a shy person, and I don't like drawing much attention to myself. I hate being center of attention. I also hate confrontation, and will avoid it at all costs. Which usually results in my not saying how I really feel, for fear of hurting feelings, or making someone angry. I'm the kind of girl who'll do anything she can for a friend, and who'll stand by her friends no matter what. My friends are very dear to me, which is why I try not to anger anyone. I hate it when people are angry with me, especially my friends. :)
So that, in a nutshell, is how I earned the nickname MegaDee. The guys still call me that, and I kinda like it. :)
Being the token female in a group full of guys, you tend to get overlooked. A lot. No one really heard me, and they never really considered any of my ideas. It was like I wasn't really there, not to them. After awhile, it got really old, and I got tired of it. So, I finally started speaking up. Loudly. I became more assertive with them. Then they finally started listening to me.
It wasn't until after a Transformers game that I got the nickname MegaDee. I was a playing a very aggressive, gun happy character, which is sort of out of character for me. I pretty much shot first, and asked questions later. I was having fun, but was also making one of the in-game characters nervous and scared of mine. He compared my character to Megatron, and hence started calling me MegaDee. And the nickname stuck.
But that's not really the whole of who I am. I can get angry, yes, but not all the time. I had to bring that aspect of me to the forefront to be heard. In reality, I'm quite a shy person, and I don't like drawing much attention to myself. I hate being center of attention. I also hate confrontation, and will avoid it at all costs. Which usually results in my not saying how I really feel, for fear of hurting feelings, or making someone angry. I'm the kind of girl who'll do anything she can for a friend, and who'll stand by her friends no matter what. My friends are very dear to me, which is why I try not to anger anyone. I hate it when people are angry with me, especially my friends. :)
So that, in a nutshell, is how I earned the nickname MegaDee. The guys still call me that, and I kinda like it. :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
This chica is a geeka.
That's right, I said it. I'm not ashamed. I. Am. A. Geek. From video games, to reading, to singing; anything that a "geek" would love, I love it all.
I am totally a gamer girl. I play RPGs; that's role-playing games to you non-gamers. We host weekly games of Dungeons and Dragons, and we play other such table top RPGs. But don't call us Satanists. That has absolutely nothing to do with gaming. We're just a group of friends who like to get together and pretend to be something different for a change. It's very much like acting. We're playing the part of a character of our own creation. Sometimes, the character is a reflection of ourselves. Other times, it's something completely different.
But no matter what role we play, we all have a good time hanging out, and doing something we all enjoy. We're an interesting lot, but there's never a dull moment. :)
I am totally a gamer girl. I play RPGs; that's role-playing games to you non-gamers. We host weekly games of Dungeons and Dragons, and we play other such table top RPGs. But don't call us Satanists. That has absolutely nothing to do with gaming. We're just a group of friends who like to get together and pretend to be something different for a change. It's very much like acting. We're playing the part of a character of our own creation. Sometimes, the character is a reflection of ourselves. Other times, it's something completely different.
But no matter what role we play, we all have a good time hanging out, and doing something we all enjoy. We're an interesting lot, but there's never a dull moment. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Halloween blues.
I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday, next to Christmas and my birthday. But lately I haven't been able to work up any enthusiasm for my beloved holiday.
Normally, I would have had a costume idea already in mind by now, and all that would be left would be to find a suitable costume. This year, I just don't know, and nothing is sparking any ideas. We even wandered through a Halloween store, and browsed their selection of costumes. Usually, seeing those will spark some sort of idea in me.
Not this time. I still got zip, zilch, nada.
My attitude towards this holiday has been lackluster at best. I may just end up NOT dressing up this year, and that is very unlike me. I LOVE to dress up. But without an idea at least to go off of, it's hard to come up with a costume.
This may sound like a trivial thing to be bothered by, especially in light of all the other things that have been going on, but it bothers me nonetheless.
I don't know. Maybe I'll come up with something in time. I guess we'll just have to see.
Normally, I would have had a costume idea already in mind by now, and all that would be left would be to find a suitable costume. This year, I just don't know, and nothing is sparking any ideas. We even wandered through a Halloween store, and browsed their selection of costumes. Usually, seeing those will spark some sort of idea in me.
Not this time. I still got zip, zilch, nada.
My attitude towards this holiday has been lackluster at best. I may just end up NOT dressing up this year, and that is very unlike me. I LOVE to dress up. But without an idea at least to go off of, it's hard to come up with a costume.
This may sound like a trivial thing to be bothered by, especially in light of all the other things that have been going on, but it bothers me nonetheless.
I don't know. Maybe I'll come up with something in time. I guess we'll just have to see.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I'm not dead yet. I just feel like it.
I've been stuck in such a morose mood lately. Between our only car dying and getting a new one, to trying to find a place to live, and not knowing where our next meal is coming from, I have been stressed to the breaking point. Add to that equation, depression and frustration (all stemming from these issues), and you've got a bomb waiting to go off. It's been taking a lot of effort on my part to NOT snap at everyone for every little thing.
And because of this dark mood I've been in, my usual feelings of loneliness have been heightened. I feel as if I'm totally invisible to some people, and I feel like I'm being totally disregarded. I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe, but is it asking too much to get a small note or something from someone, asking how I'm doing? Lately, I've been needing that. I've been needing someone to notice that I'm not my usual self, and to just be there. I just want some adult interaction, dammit, and I don't get that, unless I'M the one putting myself out there. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one that always has to go to someone, just to hang out. I want someone to show they're thinking of me, and maybe come to me. Just to watch a movie, or something. But I know that if I don't do the initiating, then I'll never get to see anyone. Lord knows I've tried. But 90% of the time, any of my invites go unheeded, or I get excuses.
Hell, maybe I'm just overreacting, and being all over emotional and shit. I get that way sometimes. But when I sit here all day with no escape, can you blame me?
I had more to say, but my brain has shut down, and I've forgotten what else I wanted to say. I just hope that our situation straightens out soon. A person can only go on being this stressed for so long. And I think I'm nearing the end of my rope.
And because of this dark mood I've been in, my usual feelings of loneliness have been heightened. I feel as if I'm totally invisible to some people, and I feel like I'm being totally disregarded. I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe, but is it asking too much to get a small note or something from someone, asking how I'm doing? Lately, I've been needing that. I've been needing someone to notice that I'm not my usual self, and to just be there. I just want some adult interaction, dammit, and I don't get that, unless I'M the one putting myself out there. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one that always has to go to someone, just to hang out. I want someone to show they're thinking of me, and maybe come to me. Just to watch a movie, or something. But I know that if I don't do the initiating, then I'll never get to see anyone. Lord knows I've tried. But 90% of the time, any of my invites go unheeded, or I get excuses.
Hell, maybe I'm just overreacting, and being all over emotional and shit. I get that way sometimes. But when I sit here all day with no escape, can you blame me?
I had more to say, but my brain has shut down, and I've forgotten what else I wanted to say. I just hope that our situation straightens out soon. A person can only go on being this stressed for so long. And I think I'm nearing the end of my rope.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I will never forget.
I will always remember where I was and what was happening on this day, 9 years ago.
I was living in central NJ at the time. I lived right in the neighborhood of McGuire air force base, and Fort Dix. At the time, Ft Dix was a little used army base. There were next to no military personnel on base, and it was open. You could drive right on in, and through. The military hospital was also located on Ft Dix.
I was working at a video store at the time, just a few minutes away from home. I didn't have a car at the time (mine had died a few weeks before) so my manager, and friend, came to get me that morning, so that I could use her van. She worked morning, and I worked the later shift.
When she came to get me, she had been listening to the radio, and she had told me that a plane had flown into one of the Trade Center towers. I couldn't believe it. I believe my words were, "You're kidding." I got in the var, and we listened to the radio the entire way to the store. That was sometime around 8 am, I believe. I really didn't pay much attention to times that day. I mostly moved around in a daze.
By the time we got to the store, the second plane had been flown into the second tower. One of the other girls we worked with was there, and she had had her husband bring out their portable TV, and I remember watching much of the news from the store, the 3 of us in silent shock.
After the second tower had been hit, I remember my manager saying that her son had forgotten his lunch, and asked me to take it to him at school, since she obviously had to work. I said sure, and started to make my way to his school. His school just happened to be located on one of the roads leading to Ft Dix. I watched as they brought out the cement barricades, and started blocking the roads, so that no one, except for those with military I.Ds could pass through. Thankfully, I was married to an airman at the time (separated though), so I was able to get through. When I made it to the school, the son told me that they were watching the coverage on TV. The kids were understandably upset. Eventually, later in the day, the school released the kids early, and I had to go back and pick up my friend's 2 children and take them home.
I also remember that they closed the bridges leading into and out of New Jersey. I worried that Dave wouldn't make it home that night, as he worked across the bridge in Pennsylvania. I remember standing in the video store, and started to get upset when they made that announcement on the news. But I needn't have worried, because Dave's work let him off early, because they knew he lived in Jersey.
Things were hectic that day, yet there was a quiet hush overlaid everything that day. The video store was fairly quiet, and those customer that did come in, their minds were on the tragedy that had happened, and that was still happening. I honestly don't remember what I was doing when the towers fell, but it was probably around the time I was delivering lunch, and Ft Dix was shutting down.
It was a bit scary for me, because I lived so close to those military bases, and I got to see them shut down, and go into readiness mode.
Even though some of the events of that day are hazy, I still remember where I was, and what happened that day. And I will never forget it.
I was living in central NJ at the time. I lived right in the neighborhood of McGuire air force base, and Fort Dix. At the time, Ft Dix was a little used army base. There were next to no military personnel on base, and it was open. You could drive right on in, and through. The military hospital was also located on Ft Dix.
I was working at a video store at the time, just a few minutes away from home. I didn't have a car at the time (mine had died a few weeks before) so my manager, and friend, came to get me that morning, so that I could use her van. She worked morning, and I worked the later shift.
When she came to get me, she had been listening to the radio, and she had told me that a plane had flown into one of the Trade Center towers. I couldn't believe it. I believe my words were, "You're kidding." I got in the var, and we listened to the radio the entire way to the store. That was sometime around 8 am, I believe. I really didn't pay much attention to times that day. I mostly moved around in a daze.
By the time we got to the store, the second plane had been flown into the second tower. One of the other girls we worked with was there, and she had had her husband bring out their portable TV, and I remember watching much of the news from the store, the 3 of us in silent shock.
After the second tower had been hit, I remember my manager saying that her son had forgotten his lunch, and asked me to take it to him at school, since she obviously had to work. I said sure, and started to make my way to his school. His school just happened to be located on one of the roads leading to Ft Dix. I watched as they brought out the cement barricades, and started blocking the roads, so that no one, except for those with military I.Ds could pass through. Thankfully, I was married to an airman at the time (separated though), so I was able to get through. When I made it to the school, the son told me that they were watching the coverage on TV. The kids were understandably upset. Eventually, later in the day, the school released the kids early, and I had to go back and pick up my friend's 2 children and take them home.
I also remember that they closed the bridges leading into and out of New Jersey. I worried that Dave wouldn't make it home that night, as he worked across the bridge in Pennsylvania. I remember standing in the video store, and started to get upset when they made that announcement on the news. But I needn't have worried, because Dave's work let him off early, because they knew he lived in Jersey.
Things were hectic that day, yet there was a quiet hush overlaid everything that day. The video store was fairly quiet, and those customer that did come in, their minds were on the tragedy that had happened, and that was still happening. I honestly don't remember what I was doing when the towers fell, but it was probably around the time I was delivering lunch, and Ft Dix was shutting down.
It was a bit scary for me, because I lived so close to those military bases, and I got to see them shut down, and go into readiness mode.
Even though some of the events of that day are hazy, I still remember where I was, and what happened that day. And I will never forget it.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
When it all falls apart.
Today has not been a very good day for me. My self-esteem has been at at all time low all day. Come to think of it, it was pretty damn low yesterday too. Feelings of worthlessness, and some other bad ones, have been roiling around in my head today. I partially blame it on it being hot and sticky in my house. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Kinda when they make you climb the rope in gym class.
The other reason for the all time low is all the damn stress I've been under. We had a car meltdown about 2 weeks ago (more on that later), and we've been trying to get ready for a move to our own place, which we can't nearly afford. But, it's necessary, and we have no choice. It's just dumped upon my head, a whole heapin spoonful (ok, dump truck full) of stress. It's been hitting us both pretty damn hard. We're making it through, and it can only get better from here, right?
I sure fucking hope so.
So yeah. That's what's been going on with me, in a nutshell. It feels good to get it out. My support system is at a low, so that's why I have my blog to turn to. I don't expect anyone to comment, or even to understand what's been going through my head. I don't need lectures, and I don't need sermons. All I want, and maybe even need, is just a little compassion. A little bit of optimism, cause right now, I'm fresh out. A little bit of someone saying, "hey. It'll be alright." Hell, it'd be nice if someone could take the time out to ask how I'm doing. But whatever. I'll survive, whether any of that happens or not. I can only move forward from here.
Also, I feel I have to mention this. If you really feel the need to comment, make sure you keep in mind that these are MY feelings, and please respect them. I don't need any negative feedback or comments. I have enough of that under my hat right now. Thanks. :)
The other reason for the all time low is all the damn stress I've been under. We had a car meltdown about 2 weeks ago (more on that later), and we've been trying to get ready for a move to our own place, which we can't nearly afford. But, it's necessary, and we have no choice. It's just dumped upon my head, a whole heapin spoonful (ok, dump truck full) of stress. It's been hitting us both pretty damn hard. We're making it through, and it can only get better from here, right?
I sure fucking hope so.
So yeah. That's what's been going on with me, in a nutshell. It feels good to get it out. My support system is at a low, so that's why I have my blog to turn to. I don't expect anyone to comment, or even to understand what's been going through my head. I don't need lectures, and I don't need sermons. All I want, and maybe even need, is just a little compassion. A little bit of optimism, cause right now, I'm fresh out. A little bit of someone saying, "hey. It'll be alright." Hell, it'd be nice if someone could take the time out to ask how I'm doing. But whatever. I'll survive, whether any of that happens or not. I can only move forward from here.
Also, I feel I have to mention this. If you really feel the need to comment, make sure you keep in mind that these are MY feelings, and please respect them. I don't need any negative feedback or comments. I have enough of that under my hat right now. Thanks. :)
