Another one of THOSE days.

I just can't win.  I have one good, or at least decent, day, and then the next day turns out horrible.  Ok, so not horrible, but I feel "meh" today.  I feel like I'm stuck.  I feel like we're running out of time, even though it's only been 2 weeks now.  Or close enough.  I don't know.  I just feel like crying today.  Again.  For the millionth time.  I just want to feel like myself again.  I just want my family back together again, more than anything.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I wish we had a car with better MPG.  I wish we had a rich relative to help us pay off our current car.  I wish it were easier for Dave and Jolly to find jobs.  I wish they had jobs.  I wish gas prices weren't so high.  I wish for a lot of things, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  Wishing doesn't help solve anything.

Rambling on to clear my mind.

Writing/blogging about the random bullshit in my head helps me cope and deal with my anxiety and depression.  It helps to externalize the problems so that I can better understand why I'm feeling this way. Sometimes it makes me realize just how ridiculous I'm being when I see it written out, but sometimes, you can't help how you feel.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people.  I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply.  A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things.  I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away.  I'm afraid of saying too much.  I'm afraid of losing what I have.

Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today.  With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it.  I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time.  I'm not a patient person.  Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible.  I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.  

What I want...

I want to be on our own.  I want my own space, to do with as I please, with whomever I choose.  I want to be in charge of my household.  I want to cuddle with the ones I love in front of the TV.  I want to feel like me again.  I want to feel balanced again.  I want my family back together.  I want to do things our way.  I want to feel free.  I want peace.  I want things like they were, or as close as I can get.  

The waiting game is killing me.

My family has been torn apart due to misunderstandings, bigotry, and fear.  Fear of that which is different.  If it doesn't fit into a neat little box, it must be wrong, and therefore must be destroyed.

Now it all comes down to the waiting game.  Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way.  Frankly, it's killing me.  Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell.  I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be.  I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in.  I know it's going to take time.  Things like this don't get resolved overnight.  But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope.  Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here.  Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good.  Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.