I want to be on our own. I want my own space, to do with as I please, with whomever I choose. I want to be in charge of my household. I want to cuddle with the ones I love in front of the TV. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel balanced again. I want my family back together. I want to do things our way. I want to feel free. I want peace. I want things like they were, or as close as I can get.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
The waiting game is killing me.
My family has been torn apart due to misunderstandings, bigotry, and fear. Fear of that which is different. If it doesn't fit into a neat little box, it must be wrong, and therefore must be destroyed.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Anxiety is a bitch.
Disclaimer: This particular post is mainly for my own peace of mind. I have very many things I need to get off of my chest, and out of my head, for the sake of my own sanity. I don't care if anybody reads this, or even comments. You can if you want, but it's not necessary.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Strike Against SOPA!
Tomorrow, January 18th, 2010, will be the largest internet protest in history. Thousands of sites across the internet, including some of the biggest in the world, will be blacking out and directing people to contact Congress to kill the web censorship bill, SOPA and PIPA.
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Reddit
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
Monday, October 25, 2010
A little known facet in the core of MegaDee.
This is going to be a hard entry for me to post, but I post it to give a better understanding into what makes me, me.
I've recently discovered something about myself, something that no one really knows about, yet. What I'm about to say is hard to explain, and may put some people off. But this is about what makes me tick, so bear with me.
I am a bisexual. This, most of my close friends already know about. I make no move to hide it, and everyone takes it in stride. This I've known for quite awhile. What I've recently discovered, is that I'm polyamorous as well.
Polyamory has many different meanings, and not everyone views it the same way. My favorite, and the one I most closely associate with, is this one, which I found here:
"Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, incestuous or any combination thereof."
That, at it's base, is what I identify with.
With that said, I don't include the love I feel for my friends in that. To me, that's a completely different kind of love. It's difficult to explain something like this, so just bear with me.
The kind of love I'm talking about is the romantic, lovey-dovey kind of love. The kind you feel towards a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband...you get my drift.
This realization didn't come to me overnight, and it's not something I take lightly. I feel what I feel. I've spent a lot of time thinking about, and analyzing those feelings. I know now that this is a true piece of my being, and not some sort of a whim. It's just another part of who I am.
Please be respectful in any comment you may decide to make. If you decide to be an ignorant douchebag, your comment will be deleted, you'll be blocked and then incinerated before my wrath. You have been warned. Have a nice day. ^_^
I've recently discovered something about myself, something that no one really knows about, yet. What I'm about to say is hard to explain, and may put some people off. But this is about what makes me tick, so bear with me.
I am a bisexual. This, most of my close friends already know about. I make no move to hide it, and everyone takes it in stride. This I've known for quite awhile. What I've recently discovered, is that I'm polyamorous as well.
Polyamory has many different meanings, and not everyone views it the same way. My favorite, and the one I most closely associate with, is this one, which I found here:
"Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, incestuous or any combination thereof."
That, at it's base, is what I identify with.
With that said, I don't include the love I feel for my friends in that. To me, that's a completely different kind of love. It's difficult to explain something like this, so just bear with me.
The kind of love I'm talking about is the romantic, lovey-dovey kind of love. The kind you feel towards a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband...you get my drift.
This realization didn't come to me overnight, and it's not something I take lightly. I feel what I feel. I've spent a lot of time thinking about, and analyzing those feelings. I know now that this is a true piece of my being, and not some sort of a whim. It's just another part of who I am.
Please be respectful in any comment you may decide to make. If you decide to be an ignorant douchebag, your comment will be deleted, you'll be blocked and then incinerated before my wrath. You have been warned. Have a nice day. ^_^
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Stupidity reigns supreme.
You know what bothers me? When black people throw out the race card. I'm not being racist by saying this, nor am I saying ALL black people do it. But there ARE some out there who do, and they do it in stupid situations.
My case in point:
I was out having "coffee" with some friends last night at a diner type restaurant. It was nearing bar time, and this obviously inebriated black man walks in, and goes up to the register, saying he had a flat tire. Being as this diner was in the same plaza as a gas stations, the servers pointed him in the direction of the air pump, and told him that's all they could do for him.
Well. He decides to get all up in the owner's face, calling him a racist because they won't help him and generally puts up a stink, before staggering out.
o_O
Really?
It. Was. A. Restaurant! Not a gas station, not a service station, not a car repair place. It was a place that serves food. It's not like they keep a stock of spare tires in the kitchen.
*sigh*
He ended up driving away on his rim. Sparks were flying everywhere. He was too drunk to be driving, and I hope he got caught before he hurt anyone.
My case in point:
I was out having "coffee" with some friends last night at a diner type restaurant. It was nearing bar time, and this obviously inebriated black man walks in, and goes up to the register, saying he had a flat tire. Being as this diner was in the same plaza as a gas stations, the servers pointed him in the direction of the air pump, and told him that's all they could do for him.
Well. He decides to get all up in the owner's face, calling him a racist because they won't help him and generally puts up a stink, before staggering out.
o_O
Really?
It. Was. A. Restaurant! Not a gas station, not a service station, not a car repair place. It was a place that serves food. It's not like they keep a stock of spare tires in the kitchen.
*sigh*
He ended up driving away on his rim. Sparks were flying everywhere. He was too drunk to be driving, and I hope he got caught before he hurt anyone.
