I just can't win. I have one good, or at least decent, day, and then the next day turns out horrible. Ok, so not horrible, but I feel "meh" today. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like we're running out of time, even though it's only been 2 weeks now. Or close enough. I don't know. I just feel like crying today. Again. For the millionth time. I just want to feel like myself again. I just want my family back together again, more than anything.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I wish we had a car with better MPG. I wish we had a rich relative to help us pay off our current car. I wish it were easier for Dave and Jolly to find jobs. I wish they had jobs. I wish gas prices weren't so high. I wish for a lot of things, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Wishing doesn't help solve anything.
Rambling on to clear my mind.
Writing/blogging about the random bullshit in my head helps me cope and deal with my anxiety and depression. It helps to externalize the problems so that I can better understand why I'm feeling this way. Sometimes it makes me realize just how ridiculous I'm being when I see it written out, but sometimes, you can't help how you feel.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people. I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply. A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things. I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away. I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm afraid of losing what I have.
Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today. With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it. I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time. I'm not a patient person. Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible. I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people. I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply. A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things. I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away. I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm afraid of losing what I have.
Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today. With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it. I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time. I'm not a patient person. Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible. I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
What I want...
I want to be on our own. I want my own space, to do with as I please, with whomever I choose. I want to be in charge of my household. I want to cuddle with the ones I love in front of the TV. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel balanced again. I want my family back together. I want to do things our way. I want to feel free. I want peace. I want things like they were, or as close as I can get.
Monday, August 20, 2012
The waiting game is killing me.
My family has been torn apart due to misunderstandings, bigotry, and fear. Fear of that which is different. If it doesn't fit into a neat little box, it must be wrong, and therefore must be destroyed.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Anxiety is a bitch.
Disclaimer: This particular post is mainly for my own peace of mind. I have very many things I need to get off of my chest, and out of my head, for the sake of my own sanity. I don't care if anybody reads this, or even comments. You can if you want, but it's not necessary.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Strike Against SOPA!
Tomorrow, January 18th, 2010, will be the largest internet protest in history. Thousands of sites across the internet, including some of the biggest in the world, will be blacking out and directing people to contact Congress to kill the web censorship bill, SOPA and PIPA.
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Reddit
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
