Tilting the Hourglass

     You know what I think is a load of shit? Putting stipulations or ultimatums on friendships, especially ones you've had for while.  I mean, really.  A friendship with stipulations really isn't a friendship, is it? I shouldn't have to like all the friends someone has.  I can be civil to them, yes, but it doesn't mean I have to be friends with them too.  If someone is willing to just toss aside a longstanding friendship, and put those kind of stipulations on it, it's really not worth keeping.  Am I right? Or am I being silly? Am I misinterpreting the meaning of friendship?  I care about ALL my friends, and I hate letting people go.  I'm the kind of person who tries to fix everything, with all I have, even if, to other people, it seems irreparable and I should let go.  But I can't.  No matter how hard I try not to care, I do.  With all that I have.  And that's why, inevitably, I get deeply hurt.  It's just hurtful, to me, that someone I once cared about, and who I thought cared about me, would put stipulations on a friendship we've had for years.  I still care about that person, but day after day, I find myself resenting them more and more because of an ultimatum.  I walked away once, only to have them come back.  This is the final chance, because I can't keep getting yanked around like this.  How much does this even really mean to me?  Do I try and continue to do what they ask, even though it hurts me to do so, and have no contact with them? Which hurts more? Knowing it's over and moving on, or sticking it out and trying to do what I have to do? At this point, I really don't know.  I just feel like I can't do this anymore.  Like I'm losing everything.  How much more pain do I really need to put myself through? And is it even worth it? I don't know anymore.  I'm so torn, between trying to repair this friendship, and just giving up on it.  I'm caught in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to get myself out of it.

Another one of THOSE days.

I just can't win.  I have one good, or at least decent, day, and then the next day turns out horrible.  Ok, so not horrible, but I feel "meh" today.  I feel like I'm stuck.  I feel like we're running out of time, even though it's only been 2 weeks now.  Or close enough.  I don't know.  I just feel like crying today.  Again.  For the millionth time.  I just want to feel like myself again.  I just want my family back together again, more than anything.

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

I wish we had a car with better MPG.  I wish we had a rich relative to help us pay off our current car.  I wish it were easier for Dave and Jolly to find jobs.  I wish they had jobs.  I wish gas prices weren't so high.  I wish for a lot of things, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.  Wishing doesn't help solve anything.

Rambling on to clear my mind.

Writing/blogging about the random bullshit in my head helps me cope and deal with my anxiety and depression.  It helps to externalize the problems so that I can better understand why I'm feeling this way. Sometimes it makes me realize just how ridiculous I'm being when I see it written out, but sometimes, you can't help how you feel.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people.  I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply.  A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things.  I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away.  I'm afraid of saying too much.  I'm afraid of losing what I have.

Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today.  With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it.  I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time.  I'm not a patient person.  Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible.  I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.  

What I want...

I want to be on our own.  I want my own space, to do with as I please, with whomever I choose.  I want to be in charge of my household.  I want to cuddle with the ones I love in front of the TV.  I want to feel like me again.  I want to feel balanced again.  I want my family back together.  I want to do things our way.  I want to feel free.  I want peace.  I want things like they were, or as close as I can get.  

The waiting game is killing me.

My family has been torn apart due to misunderstandings, bigotry, and fear.  Fear of that which is different.  If it doesn't fit into a neat little box, it must be wrong, and therefore must be destroyed.

Now it all comes down to the waiting game.  Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way.  Frankly, it's killing me.  Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell.  I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be.  I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in.  I know it's going to take time.  Things like this don't get resolved overnight.  But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope.  Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here.  Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good.  Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.

Anxiety is a bitch.

 Disclaimer:  This particular post is mainly for my own peace of mind.  I have very many things I need to get off of my chest, and out of my head, for the sake of my own sanity.  I don't care if anybody reads this, or even comments.  You can if you want, but it's not necessary.

I've been feeling very...not me...lately.  I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up.  And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks.  It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way.  And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.

  My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia.  We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents.  That is reason number one.  Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them.  I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in.  Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to.  I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood. 

  Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own  yet.  Kinda ties in with the above reason.  Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules.  Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space.  Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want.  That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin. 

  Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet.   All three kinda tie in together.  Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home.  The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.

  I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process.  I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.