You selfish child. All you care about are things and yourself, rather than how your actions have affected others. You have no regard or compassion for anyone but yourself. You take no accountability for your own actions; rather, you place the blame on everyone else and act like you're the victim. You ignore your problems hoping they'll go away, rather than confronting them, and resolving them. Running away accomplishes nothing. And everyone lets you get away with it. Nobody makes you see just what it is that you are doing. You're hurting people, pushing them away from you, while you sit and wonder why. You don't ask, you don't communicate. You need to grow up, and take a long hard look at yourself, before you end up pushing everyone away from you. Start taking responsibility for your own actions. It's too late to fix the bridges you have burned. You got what you wanted. I hope that comforts you.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Tilting the Hourglass
You know what I think is a load of shit? Putting stipulations or ultimatums on friendships, especially ones you've had for while. I mean, really. A friendship with stipulations really isn't a friendship, is it? I shouldn't have to like all the friends someone has. I can be civil to them, yes, but it doesn't mean I have to be friends with them too. If someone is willing to just toss aside a longstanding friendship, and put those kind of stipulations on it, it's really not worth keeping. Am I right? Or am I being silly? Am I misinterpreting the meaning of friendship? I care about ALL my friends, and I hate letting people go. I'm the kind of person who tries to fix everything, with all I have, even if, to other people, it seems irreparable and I should let go. But I can't. No matter how hard I try not to care, I do. With all that I have. And that's why, inevitably, I get deeply hurt. It's just hurtful, to me, that someone I once cared about, and who I thought cared about me, would put stipulations on a friendship we've had for years. I still care about that person, but day after day, I find myself resenting them more and more because of an ultimatum. I walked away once, only to have them come back. This is the final chance, because I can't keep getting yanked around like this. How much does this even really mean to me? Do I try and continue to do what they ask, even though it hurts me to do so, and have no contact with them? Which hurts more? Knowing it's over and moving on, or sticking it out and trying to do what I have to do? At this point, I really don't know. I just feel like I can't do this anymore. Like I'm losing everything. How much more pain do I really need to put myself through? And is it even worth it? I don't know anymore. I'm so torn, between trying to repair this friendship, and just giving up on it. I'm caught in a deep, dark hole, and I don't know how to get myself out of it.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Another one of THOSE days.
I just can't win. I have one good, or at least decent, day, and then the next day turns out horrible. Ok, so not horrible, but I feel "meh" today. I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like we're running out of time, even though it's only been 2 weeks now. Or close enough. I don't know. I just feel like crying today. Again. For the millionth time. I just want to feel like myself again. I just want my family back together again, more than anything.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
I wish we had a car with better MPG. I wish we had a rich relative to help us pay off our current car. I wish it were easier for Dave and Jolly to find jobs. I wish they had jobs. I wish gas prices weren't so high. I wish for a lot of things, but if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Wishing doesn't help solve anything.
Rambling on to clear my mind.
Writing/blogging about the random bullshit in my head helps me cope and deal with my anxiety and depression. It helps to externalize the problems so that I can better understand why I'm feeling this way. Sometimes it makes me realize just how ridiculous I'm being when I see it written out, but sometimes, you can't help how you feel.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people. I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply. A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things. I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away. I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm afraid of losing what I have.
Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today. With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it. I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time. I'm not a patient person. Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible. I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm too much for people. I'm discovering that I'm quite the emotional person, and I feel things very acutely and deeply. A small problem to some, seems like a big problem to me, and I have problems letting go of things. I hold myself back, because I'm afraid of scaring those that I love away. I'm afraid of saying too much. I'm afraid of losing what I have.
Last night and into today, I've been having a lot of self-doubt issues, which is why many of these thoughts are in my head today. With everything that's been going on, I'm just having a hard time coping, and dealing with all of it. I so clearly see in my mind what I want, and where I want us to be, but it's going to take time. I'm not a patient person. Haha! I want it now, but that's impossible. I have to be patient, have faith that we'll get there, and trust and believe in, not only myself, but my family as well.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
What I want...
I want to be on our own. I want my own space, to do with as I please, with whomever I choose. I want to be in charge of my household. I want to cuddle with the ones I love in front of the TV. I want to feel like me again. I want to feel balanced again. I want my family back together. I want to do things our way. I want to feel free. I want peace. I want things like they were, or as close as I can get.
Monday, August 20, 2012
The waiting game is killing me.
My family has been torn apart due to misunderstandings, bigotry, and fear. Fear of that which is different. If it doesn't fit into a neat little box, it must be wrong, and therefore must be destroyed.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Now it all comes down to the waiting game. Waiting for jobs, waiting for help, waiting for whatever may come our way. Frankly, it's killing me. Ok, not literally, but it's sure making me feel like hell. I feel useless and powerless to move us forward to the place we need to be. I feel like I need to be doing SOMETHING to fix this predicament we've now found ourselves in. I know it's going to take time. Things like this don't get resolved overnight. But it's wreaking havoc with my mental and physical health, but I'm doing my best to just deal with it and cope. Things are bad, but we need to move forward from here. Dwelling on what's happened, and what may have been does nobody any good. Those are the kind of things that I try to keep telling myself, but it's hard to keep that in mind, when I feel as if I've been torn in half.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Anxiety is a bitch.
Disclaimer: This particular post is mainly for my own peace of mind. I have very many things I need to get off of my chest, and out of my head, for the sake of my own sanity. I don't care if anybody reads this, or even comments. You can if you want, but it's not necessary.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
I've been feeling very...not me...lately. I've been having more anxiety issues, and panic attacks than I ever have before, especially when I wake up. And if you know me, you know I rarely, if at all, have panic/anxiety attacks. It's been bothering me a lot lately, and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and introspection, trying to figure out just what my problem is, and why I've been feeling this way. And I think I've come up with some reasonable reasons.
My family and I have recently uprooted ourselves from our home in Wisconsin, to Georgia. We don't have a place of our own yet, and instead are staying with my boyfriend Dave's parents. That is reason number one. Stress and attitudes are high, and nothing we do is good enough for them. I wake up nervous, and anxious, wondering what kind of mood they're in. Are they angry? Are they frustrated? The feeling doesn't go away until I venture downstairs and see, obviously, but there are times where I just don't want to. I do it, and usually feel better after I do, regardless of their mood.
Reason number 2: we don't have a place of our own yet. Kinda ties in with the above reason. Living in someone else's house, we're subject to their rules. Fine, I can deal with that, but after awhile, one needs their own space. Their own haven, where they can make their own rules, and live how they want. That will come with time, and I know I have to be patient, but my patience is beginning to wear thin.
Reason number 3: Georgia doesn't feel quite like "home" yet. All three kinda tie in together. Because we're staying in someone else's home, and don't have one of our own, I feel more like a visitor here. On the days the anxiety threatens to tear me apart, my brain screams at me that we need to go home. The logical part of me says we already are, but the emotional part doesn't listen.
I know it will all fall into place once we have our own place, but I'm losing my patience, and it seems my sanity, in the process. I'm trying so very hard to hold it together, and Dave and Jolly are helping me, but sometimes I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Strike Against SOPA!
Tomorrow, January 18th, 2010, will be the largest internet protest in history. Thousands of sites across the internet, including some of the biggest in the world, will be blacking out and directing people to contact Congress to kill the web censorship bill, SOPA and PIPA.
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Reddit
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
Just a few going dark:
Mojang.com (creators of Minecraft)
Minecraft.net
Mozilla
Wordpress.org
The entire I Can Haz Cheeseburger network
Even Google and Facebook are getting involved.
Will you join the cause to keep this bill from passing? Don't let our Government take away our first amendment right. Contact your Congressperson/Representative now and tell them to vote NO on this damaging bill. Time is short, and we're 35 Senators short of what we need to keep this bill from passing, and kill it for good. I've contacted my representatives, and will be internet free tomorrow.
More info on SOPA/PIPA:
http://www.craigslist.org/about/SOPA
http://americancensorship.org/infographic.html
Link to contact your Congressman/woman:
https://action.eff.org/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173
List of sites going dark in protest:
http://mashable.com/2012/01/17/sopa-companies-dark-list/
Monday, October 25, 2010
A little known facet in the core of MegaDee.
This is going to be a hard entry for me to post, but I post it to give a better understanding into what makes me, me.
I've recently discovered something about myself, something that no one really knows about, yet. What I'm about to say is hard to explain, and may put some people off. But this is about what makes me tick, so bear with me.
I am a bisexual. This, most of my close friends already know about. I make no move to hide it, and everyone takes it in stride. This I've known for quite awhile. What I've recently discovered, is that I'm polyamorous as well.
Polyamory has many different meanings, and not everyone views it the same way. My favorite, and the one I most closely associate with, is this one, which I found here:
"Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, incestuous or any combination thereof."
That, at it's base, is what I identify with.
With that said, I don't include the love I feel for my friends in that. To me, that's a completely different kind of love. It's difficult to explain something like this, so just bear with me.
The kind of love I'm talking about is the romantic, lovey-dovey kind of love. The kind you feel towards a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband...you get my drift.
This realization didn't come to me overnight, and it's not something I take lightly. I feel what I feel. I've spent a lot of time thinking about, and analyzing those feelings. I know now that this is a true piece of my being, and not some sort of a whim. It's just another part of who I am.
Please be respectful in any comment you may decide to make. If you decide to be an ignorant douchebag, your comment will be deleted, you'll be blocked and then incinerated before my wrath. You have been warned. Have a nice day. ^_^
I've recently discovered something about myself, something that no one really knows about, yet. What I'm about to say is hard to explain, and may put some people off. But this is about what makes me tick, so bear with me.
I am a bisexual. This, most of my close friends already know about. I make no move to hide it, and everyone takes it in stride. This I've known for quite awhile. What I've recently discovered, is that I'm polyamorous as well.
Polyamory has many different meanings, and not everyone views it the same way. My favorite, and the one I most closely associate with, is this one, which I found here:
"Polyamory means "loving more than one." This love may be sexual, emotional, spiritual, incestuous or any combination thereof."
That, at it's base, is what I identify with.
With that said, I don't include the love I feel for my friends in that. To me, that's a completely different kind of love. It's difficult to explain something like this, so just bear with me.
The kind of love I'm talking about is the romantic, lovey-dovey kind of love. The kind you feel towards a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband...you get my drift.
This realization didn't come to me overnight, and it's not something I take lightly. I feel what I feel. I've spent a lot of time thinking about, and analyzing those feelings. I know now that this is a true piece of my being, and not some sort of a whim. It's just another part of who I am.
Please be respectful in any comment you may decide to make. If you decide to be an ignorant douchebag, your comment will be deleted, you'll be blocked and then incinerated before my wrath. You have been warned. Have a nice day. ^_^
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Stupidity reigns supreme.
You know what bothers me? When black people throw out the race card. I'm not being racist by saying this, nor am I saying ALL black people do it. But there ARE some out there who do, and they do it in stupid situations.
My case in point:
I was out having "coffee" with some friends last night at a diner type restaurant. It was nearing bar time, and this obviously inebriated black man walks in, and goes up to the register, saying he had a flat tire. Being as this diner was in the same plaza as a gas stations, the servers pointed him in the direction of the air pump, and told him that's all they could do for him.
Well. He decides to get all up in the owner's face, calling him a racist because they won't help him and generally puts up a stink, before staggering out.
o_O
Really?
It. Was. A. Restaurant! Not a gas station, not a service station, not a car repair place. It was a place that serves food. It's not like they keep a stock of spare tires in the kitchen.
*sigh*
He ended up driving away on his rim. Sparks were flying everywhere. He was too drunk to be driving, and I hope he got caught before he hurt anyone.
My case in point:
I was out having "coffee" with some friends last night at a diner type restaurant. It was nearing bar time, and this obviously inebriated black man walks in, and goes up to the register, saying he had a flat tire. Being as this diner was in the same plaza as a gas stations, the servers pointed him in the direction of the air pump, and told him that's all they could do for him.
Well. He decides to get all up in the owner's face, calling him a racist because they won't help him and generally puts up a stink, before staggering out.
o_O
Really?
It. Was. A. Restaurant! Not a gas station, not a service station, not a car repair place. It was a place that serves food. It's not like they keep a stock of spare tires in the kitchen.
*sigh*
He ended up driving away on his rim. Sparks were flying everywhere. He was too drunk to be driving, and I hope he got caught before he hurt anyone.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Just one of them days.
It's been one of those days again. I've felt useless, ugly and stupid, again. I was fine for most of the day, but then, all of a sudden, BAM! I was hit by a mack truck. I suddenly had this very strong urge to just burst into tears. I didn't really know why. It didn't really have a reason. I've been chatting with a friend who's been having some problems, so maybe I opened myself up too much again. I have a tendency of doing that. Whatever it was, it made all my insecurities surge to the surface, nearly overwhelming me. I fought through it, but I still don't feel right. I still feel a little weepy.
I'm the kind of person that has a hard time reaching out to people, and talking about how I feel. Makes me feel like an idiot sometimes, even though I shouldn't. Writing helps though. So here I am, typing this out. This isn't what I had planned on writing for my next blog, but there it is. Read it if you dare. ;)
I'm the kind of person that has a hard time reaching out to people, and talking about how I feel. Makes me feel like an idiot sometimes, even though I shouldn't. Writing helps though. So here I am, typing this out. This isn't what I had planned on writing for my next blog, but there it is. Read it if you dare. ;)
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The truth behind MegaDee.
I kinda have this reputation with the guys I game with of being a hardass, evil person, but not in a bad way. Kinda like Megatron from Transformers. So, they've nicknamed me MegaDee.
Being the token female in a group full of guys, you tend to get overlooked. A lot. No one really heard me, and they never really considered any of my ideas. It was like I wasn't really there, not to them. After awhile, it got really old, and I got tired of it. So, I finally started speaking up. Loudly. I became more assertive with them. Then they finally started listening to me.
It wasn't until after a Transformers game that I got the nickname MegaDee. I was a playing a very aggressive, gun happy character, which is sort of out of character for me. I pretty much shot first, and asked questions later. I was having fun, but was also making one of the in-game characters nervous and scared of mine. He compared my character to Megatron, and hence started calling me MegaDee. And the nickname stuck.
But that's not really the whole of who I am. I can get angry, yes, but not all the time. I had to bring that aspect of me to the forefront to be heard. In reality, I'm quite a shy person, and I don't like drawing much attention to myself. I hate being center of attention. I also hate confrontation, and will avoid it at all costs. Which usually results in my not saying how I really feel, for fear of hurting feelings, or making someone angry. I'm the kind of girl who'll do anything she can for a friend, and who'll stand by her friends no matter what. My friends are very dear to me, which is why I try not to anger anyone. I hate it when people are angry with me, especially my friends. :)
So that, in a nutshell, is how I earned the nickname MegaDee. The guys still call me that, and I kinda like it. :)
Being the token female in a group full of guys, you tend to get overlooked. A lot. No one really heard me, and they never really considered any of my ideas. It was like I wasn't really there, not to them. After awhile, it got really old, and I got tired of it. So, I finally started speaking up. Loudly. I became more assertive with them. Then they finally started listening to me.
It wasn't until after a Transformers game that I got the nickname MegaDee. I was a playing a very aggressive, gun happy character, which is sort of out of character for me. I pretty much shot first, and asked questions later. I was having fun, but was also making one of the in-game characters nervous and scared of mine. He compared my character to Megatron, and hence started calling me MegaDee. And the nickname stuck.
But that's not really the whole of who I am. I can get angry, yes, but not all the time. I had to bring that aspect of me to the forefront to be heard. In reality, I'm quite a shy person, and I don't like drawing much attention to myself. I hate being center of attention. I also hate confrontation, and will avoid it at all costs. Which usually results in my not saying how I really feel, for fear of hurting feelings, or making someone angry. I'm the kind of girl who'll do anything she can for a friend, and who'll stand by her friends no matter what. My friends are very dear to me, which is why I try not to anger anyone. I hate it when people are angry with me, especially my friends. :)
So that, in a nutshell, is how I earned the nickname MegaDee. The guys still call me that, and I kinda like it. :)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
This chica is a geeka.
That's right, I said it. I'm not ashamed. I. Am. A. Geek. From video games, to reading, to singing; anything that a "geek" would love, I love it all.
I am totally a gamer girl. I play RPGs; that's role-playing games to you non-gamers. We host weekly games of Dungeons and Dragons, and we play other such table top RPGs. But don't call us Satanists. That has absolutely nothing to do with gaming. We're just a group of friends who like to get together and pretend to be something different for a change. It's very much like acting. We're playing the part of a character of our own creation. Sometimes, the character is a reflection of ourselves. Other times, it's something completely different.
But no matter what role we play, we all have a good time hanging out, and doing something we all enjoy. We're an interesting lot, but there's never a dull moment. :)
I am totally a gamer girl. I play RPGs; that's role-playing games to you non-gamers. We host weekly games of Dungeons and Dragons, and we play other such table top RPGs. But don't call us Satanists. That has absolutely nothing to do with gaming. We're just a group of friends who like to get together and pretend to be something different for a change. It's very much like acting. We're playing the part of a character of our own creation. Sometimes, the character is a reflection of ourselves. Other times, it's something completely different.
But no matter what role we play, we all have a good time hanging out, and doing something we all enjoy. We're an interesting lot, but there's never a dull moment. :)
Friday, September 17, 2010
Halloween blues.
I love Halloween. It's my favorite holiday, next to Christmas and my birthday. But lately I haven't been able to work up any enthusiasm for my beloved holiday.
Normally, I would have had a costume idea already in mind by now, and all that would be left would be to find a suitable costume. This year, I just don't know, and nothing is sparking any ideas. We even wandered through a Halloween store, and browsed their selection of costumes. Usually, seeing those will spark some sort of idea in me.
Not this time. I still got zip, zilch, nada.
My attitude towards this holiday has been lackluster at best. I may just end up NOT dressing up this year, and that is very unlike me. I LOVE to dress up. But without an idea at least to go off of, it's hard to come up with a costume.
This may sound like a trivial thing to be bothered by, especially in light of all the other things that have been going on, but it bothers me nonetheless.
I don't know. Maybe I'll come up with something in time. I guess we'll just have to see.
Normally, I would have had a costume idea already in mind by now, and all that would be left would be to find a suitable costume. This year, I just don't know, and nothing is sparking any ideas. We even wandered through a Halloween store, and browsed their selection of costumes. Usually, seeing those will spark some sort of idea in me.
Not this time. I still got zip, zilch, nada.
My attitude towards this holiday has been lackluster at best. I may just end up NOT dressing up this year, and that is very unlike me. I LOVE to dress up. But without an idea at least to go off of, it's hard to come up with a costume.
This may sound like a trivial thing to be bothered by, especially in light of all the other things that have been going on, but it bothers me nonetheless.
I don't know. Maybe I'll come up with something in time. I guess we'll just have to see.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
I'm not dead yet. I just feel like it.
I've been stuck in such a morose mood lately. Between our only car dying and getting a new one, to trying to find a place to live, and not knowing where our next meal is coming from, I have been stressed to the breaking point. Add to that equation, depression and frustration (all stemming from these issues), and you've got a bomb waiting to go off. It's been taking a lot of effort on my part to NOT snap at everyone for every little thing.
And because of this dark mood I've been in, my usual feelings of loneliness have been heightened. I feel as if I'm totally invisible to some people, and I feel like I'm being totally disregarded. I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe, but is it asking too much to get a small note or something from someone, asking how I'm doing? Lately, I've been needing that. I've been needing someone to notice that I'm not my usual self, and to just be there. I just want some adult interaction, dammit, and I don't get that, unless I'M the one putting myself out there. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one that always has to go to someone, just to hang out. I want someone to show they're thinking of me, and maybe come to me. Just to watch a movie, or something. But I know that if I don't do the initiating, then I'll never get to see anyone. Lord knows I've tried. But 90% of the time, any of my invites go unheeded, or I get excuses.
Hell, maybe I'm just overreacting, and being all over emotional and shit. I get that way sometimes. But when I sit here all day with no escape, can you blame me?
I had more to say, but my brain has shut down, and I've forgotten what else I wanted to say. I just hope that our situation straightens out soon. A person can only go on being this stressed for so long. And I think I'm nearing the end of my rope.
And because of this dark mood I've been in, my usual feelings of loneliness have been heightened. I feel as if I'm totally invisible to some people, and I feel like I'm being totally disregarded. I know I'm not the center of everyone's universe, but is it asking too much to get a small note or something from someone, asking how I'm doing? Lately, I've been needing that. I've been needing someone to notice that I'm not my usual self, and to just be there. I just want some adult interaction, dammit, and I don't get that, unless I'M the one putting myself out there. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being the one that always has to go to someone, just to hang out. I want someone to show they're thinking of me, and maybe come to me. Just to watch a movie, or something. But I know that if I don't do the initiating, then I'll never get to see anyone. Lord knows I've tried. But 90% of the time, any of my invites go unheeded, or I get excuses.
Hell, maybe I'm just overreacting, and being all over emotional and shit. I get that way sometimes. But when I sit here all day with no escape, can you blame me?
I had more to say, but my brain has shut down, and I've forgotten what else I wanted to say. I just hope that our situation straightens out soon. A person can only go on being this stressed for so long. And I think I'm nearing the end of my rope.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I will never forget.
I will always remember where I was and what was happening on this day, 9 years ago.
I was living in central NJ at the time. I lived right in the neighborhood of McGuire air force base, and Fort Dix. At the time, Ft Dix was a little used army base. There were next to no military personnel on base, and it was open. You could drive right on in, and through. The military hospital was also located on Ft Dix.
I was working at a video store at the time, just a few minutes away from home. I didn't have a car at the time (mine had died a few weeks before) so my manager, and friend, came to get me that morning, so that I could use her van. She worked morning, and I worked the later shift.
When she came to get me, she had been listening to the radio, and she had told me that a plane had flown into one of the Trade Center towers. I couldn't believe it. I believe my words were, "You're kidding." I got in the var, and we listened to the radio the entire way to the store. That was sometime around 8 am, I believe. I really didn't pay much attention to times that day. I mostly moved around in a daze.
By the time we got to the store, the second plane had been flown into the second tower. One of the other girls we worked with was there, and she had had her husband bring out their portable TV, and I remember watching much of the news from the store, the 3 of us in silent shock.
After the second tower had been hit, I remember my manager saying that her son had forgotten his lunch, and asked me to take it to him at school, since she obviously had to work. I said sure, and started to make my way to his school. His school just happened to be located on one of the roads leading to Ft Dix. I watched as they brought out the cement barricades, and started blocking the roads, so that no one, except for those with military I.Ds could pass through. Thankfully, I was married to an airman at the time (separated though), so I was able to get through. When I made it to the school, the son told me that they were watching the coverage on TV. The kids were understandably upset. Eventually, later in the day, the school released the kids early, and I had to go back and pick up my friend's 2 children and take them home.
I also remember that they closed the bridges leading into and out of New Jersey. I worried that Dave wouldn't make it home that night, as he worked across the bridge in Pennsylvania. I remember standing in the video store, and started to get upset when they made that announcement on the news. But I needn't have worried, because Dave's work let him off early, because they knew he lived in Jersey.
Things were hectic that day, yet there was a quiet hush overlaid everything that day. The video store was fairly quiet, and those customer that did come in, their minds were on the tragedy that had happened, and that was still happening. I honestly don't remember what I was doing when the towers fell, but it was probably around the time I was delivering lunch, and Ft Dix was shutting down.
It was a bit scary for me, because I lived so close to those military bases, and I got to see them shut down, and go into readiness mode.
Even though some of the events of that day are hazy, I still remember where I was, and what happened that day. And I will never forget it.
I was living in central NJ at the time. I lived right in the neighborhood of McGuire air force base, and Fort Dix. At the time, Ft Dix was a little used army base. There were next to no military personnel on base, and it was open. You could drive right on in, and through. The military hospital was also located on Ft Dix.
I was working at a video store at the time, just a few minutes away from home. I didn't have a car at the time (mine had died a few weeks before) so my manager, and friend, came to get me that morning, so that I could use her van. She worked morning, and I worked the later shift.
When she came to get me, she had been listening to the radio, and she had told me that a plane had flown into one of the Trade Center towers. I couldn't believe it. I believe my words were, "You're kidding." I got in the var, and we listened to the radio the entire way to the store. That was sometime around 8 am, I believe. I really didn't pay much attention to times that day. I mostly moved around in a daze.
By the time we got to the store, the second plane had been flown into the second tower. One of the other girls we worked with was there, and she had had her husband bring out their portable TV, and I remember watching much of the news from the store, the 3 of us in silent shock.
After the second tower had been hit, I remember my manager saying that her son had forgotten his lunch, and asked me to take it to him at school, since she obviously had to work. I said sure, and started to make my way to his school. His school just happened to be located on one of the roads leading to Ft Dix. I watched as they brought out the cement barricades, and started blocking the roads, so that no one, except for those with military I.Ds could pass through. Thankfully, I was married to an airman at the time (separated though), so I was able to get through. When I made it to the school, the son told me that they were watching the coverage on TV. The kids were understandably upset. Eventually, later in the day, the school released the kids early, and I had to go back and pick up my friend's 2 children and take them home.
I also remember that they closed the bridges leading into and out of New Jersey. I worried that Dave wouldn't make it home that night, as he worked across the bridge in Pennsylvania. I remember standing in the video store, and started to get upset when they made that announcement on the news. But I needn't have worried, because Dave's work let him off early, because they knew he lived in Jersey.
Things were hectic that day, yet there was a quiet hush overlaid everything that day. The video store was fairly quiet, and those customer that did come in, their minds were on the tragedy that had happened, and that was still happening. I honestly don't remember what I was doing when the towers fell, but it was probably around the time I was delivering lunch, and Ft Dix was shutting down.
It was a bit scary for me, because I lived so close to those military bases, and I got to see them shut down, and go into readiness mode.
Even though some of the events of that day are hazy, I still remember where I was, and what happened that day. And I will never forget it.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
When it all falls apart.
Today has not been a very good day for me. My self-esteem has been at at all time low all day. Come to think of it, it was pretty damn low yesterday too. Feelings of worthlessness, and some other bad ones, have been roiling around in my head today. I partially blame it on it being hot and sticky in my house. Makes me feel uncomfortable. Kinda when they make you climb the rope in gym class.
The other reason for the all time low is all the damn stress I've been under. We had a car meltdown about 2 weeks ago (more on that later), and we've been trying to get ready for a move to our own place, which we can't nearly afford. But, it's necessary, and we have no choice. It's just dumped upon my head, a whole heapin spoonful (ok, dump truck full) of stress. It's been hitting us both pretty damn hard. We're making it through, and it can only get better from here, right?
I sure fucking hope so.
So yeah. That's what's been going on with me, in a nutshell. It feels good to get it out. My support system is at a low, so that's why I have my blog to turn to. I don't expect anyone to comment, or even to understand what's been going through my head. I don't need lectures, and I don't need sermons. All I want, and maybe even need, is just a little compassion. A little bit of optimism, cause right now, I'm fresh out. A little bit of someone saying, "hey. It'll be alright." Hell, it'd be nice if someone could take the time out to ask how I'm doing. But whatever. I'll survive, whether any of that happens or not. I can only move forward from here.
Also, I feel I have to mention this. If you really feel the need to comment, make sure you keep in mind that these are MY feelings, and please respect them. I don't need any negative feedback or comments. I have enough of that under my hat right now. Thanks. :)
The other reason for the all time low is all the damn stress I've been under. We had a car meltdown about 2 weeks ago (more on that later), and we've been trying to get ready for a move to our own place, which we can't nearly afford. But, it's necessary, and we have no choice. It's just dumped upon my head, a whole heapin spoonful (ok, dump truck full) of stress. It's been hitting us both pretty damn hard. We're making it through, and it can only get better from here, right?
I sure fucking hope so.
So yeah. That's what's been going on with me, in a nutshell. It feels good to get it out. My support system is at a low, so that's why I have my blog to turn to. I don't expect anyone to comment, or even to understand what's been going through my head. I don't need lectures, and I don't need sermons. All I want, and maybe even need, is just a little compassion. A little bit of optimism, cause right now, I'm fresh out. A little bit of someone saying, "hey. It'll be alright." Hell, it'd be nice if someone could take the time out to ask how I'm doing. But whatever. I'll survive, whether any of that happens or not. I can only move forward from here.
Also, I feel I have to mention this. If you really feel the need to comment, make sure you keep in mind that these are MY feelings, and please respect them. I don't need any negative feedback or comments. I have enough of that under my hat right now. Thanks. :)
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Stupidity strikes again.
Ok, so I heard on the radio today that some woman is suing McDonald's, because her daughter spilled her hot chocolate on her lap, and it scarred. Her HOT chocolate.
o_O
Really?
First off, it's partially your own dumbass fault for giving it to your daughter in the first place. I'm assuming here that this was a small child that the hot chocolate was given to. I know I make sure that the hot chocolate is not the same temperature as magma before serving it to my child. Am I alone in that fact? Face/palm #1
Face/palm #2: There are plenty of warnings on the cup, stating the fact that it's HOT, thanks to some other dumbass a few years back, who did a similar thing, and WON! Hell, the name of the beverage ALONE should tell you that that shit is HOT!
And you're trying to sue McDonald's, because YOUR child is scarred because of their own clumsiness?
I'd love to be the judge in charge of that case. I'd tell them to pull their head out of their ass, use some common sense, and then throw the case out of court.
Seriously. Stop being such a greedy bastard.
/rant
